I'm so drained I am tipsy after one light beer...
So yes. Christmas.

I basically just spent all my paycheck without having even received it. Delightful. I know I have been ranting alot but alot ov things seem abundantly clear to me right now.

Tara's 12 days ov BITCHMAS.

[It's worth reading, it will enlighten and entertain!]

1. I am mostly bitchy due to work and menstruation : the two things that plague me like syphilis. For some reason, this year seems particularly bad. There is nothing worse than dealing with a bitchy cunt on the phone when you are doubled over in agony because your cervix is contracting like web designer in the mid-90's.



2. I am feeling *incredibly* guilty for not being able to get gifts for some ov the people I love. I know this is DUMB but for some reason it is really bothering me. I will have to think about this one when I have time on my hands - so expect a letter ov apology sometime after I retire.

3. When I was unemployed, no one expected anything from me at all. Now that I have a job people expect bigger and badder gifts. You should see Christmas at my house, it's like the Trump family Xmas here. I [am made to] feel like a fucking ass if I can't get a gift that equals the one I receive in bigness/monetary value. In case you are new to my LJ, I got a wickedly expensive piece ov art and a TV/VCR combo last year. Yah. I fucking know I don't watch TV.

4. OoOoOo thanks Lia & Neeters for da beers...feeling fine now! "old speckled...wha'?"

5. Work: this place is a cesspool ov humanity. Having said that, it is also a black hole where all my money goes. Aside from the fact that every single breeder in the entire place has to sell shit for their fucking kid's school...we also have a work potluck and "secret Santa" gift exchange. So I have to bring food - and a gift for someone I barely know. Now, I think I spent more time shopping for this gift than for any other one I have this year CAUSE I BARELY KNOW THE PERSON.

So that brings us to:

6. The worst part ov this entire thing is that I also work with a woman named Gladys who does tonnes ov charity work. So every year she comes in with a list ov kids who aren't going to get Christmas presents because their parents are barely scraping by. Now last year, hardly anyone took kids. I took like 4 and then when we were really strapped I had my brother and my mom help pick up the slack. Through their combined workplaces we got like 20 gifts for kids. This year things are going well. I only took one kid this year and tried to get him as much as I could. The point ov this diatribe is this: why the fuck are we having a fucking Christmas "secret Santa" exchange when there are tonnes ov kids out there on this list who would appreciate the gifts sooooooo much more than we ever will? Like, instead ov taking just one kid, people could have taken 2 or 3. Chances are we are going to get enough crap from our respective families that we don't need another crappy gift from our coworkers.

FOR EXAMPLE: The first year I worked there, all the kids were taken except for one. So the last day everyone was like "Oh, ok we got them all" and so we spent our lunch hour wrapping & labeling the gifts. At the end we realized that one kid hadn't been taken. What did said child want [we get a list ov what they want]? Chocolate with nuts. So simple. So I ended up running to the closest convenience store to buy every single last box that I could find. Done and done.

SECOND EXAMPLE: Last year we had a mix up and so an entire family ov kids [well tweens & teenagers] didn't get chosen at all. What did they want? Art supplies. Now our corp. runs some office supply stores [6 to be exact] and I know they carry canvas and do business with other corps that make oil/watercolours/pastels ect... So I ran to the director ov Office Supplies and asked him to donate to the cause. So he called in some favors and had them deliver to me tonnes ov canvases, sketchbooks and a variety ov paints/pastels. "Expense the extras to my consignee code," he said. And I did, and it was good. What is better than the gift ov being able to express yourself in your chosen medium?

7. All I really want for Christmas is to hang out with the people I love.

8. Failing the above, I want to sit in my bed and read and/or do music for the 11 days I have.

9. I am now drunk *hic* off my birthday beers.

10. I used to love this time ov year. I used to look forward to seeing my friends and wrapping carefully chosen gifts for the people I love. Right now I feel like the entire season can go to hell. I feel really put out by having to slot my friends in for time with me like they were appointments. I am sure I will feel differently when my uterus is done shedding and work is done, but for right now I am hating this season.

11. My family is driving me mad. So for those ov you at work right now, at least this will give you something to do.

Mom: Fuck off. I *know* it is 5 days before Christmas and yes, I do realize that I can't expect that the things I saw on the shelf will still be there at this time for my purchasing pleasure. I still want to bitch about it. Why? Because if I didn't bitch about the holiday madness I would tell you what I really think about your putting my life under your microscopic eye. We can't be having that now! It's Christmas!

Aunt Lynn: Stop gossiping about my life and get a fucking job and/or a hobby - excluding selling "Mary Kay Cosmetics." Just because your children have been either a> knocked up and married to a loser at 20 or b> engaged to a loser, unemployed and violent or c> a military junkie who is going to end up on the top ov a giant building [from which, no therapy is going to save him from, honey] with a very big gun, does not mean you can talk about me. I am not married for a reason, I don't have children right now for a reason I have not 'found god' for a reason - and that reason is probably bearing witness to your wretched lives.

Ryan - Your girlfriend is manipulative bitch - but she's hot and has a twin - I understand...oh do I ever understand...

Dad - You rock. Thanks for these words ov wisdom "Live your life for yourself Tara. I lived my life for everyone else and it only served to make me miserable. Do what you want, I support you." It makes up for the fact that you BEAT THE FUCKING CRAP OUT OV ME WHEN I WAS A CHILD. Good thing I am not histrionic, eh?

Pam [dad's new wife: #3]: Third times is the charm I always say! Having said that, if things don't work out between you and Dad, let's get drunk sometime. You're pretty fucking awesome. Funny that your ex-hubby is dating my uncle's sister-in-law [enter dueling banjos].

12. MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!

13 [Baker's dozen]. I am really drunk now! w00t!!!111